English can be a hard subject for people who are learning to speak it. English is kind of a rebel in pronunciation, like with the word ward not being pronounced the same as card, lard, bard, hard, etc.

And if you are learning English, then do not use this 19th-century handbook that translates from Portuguese to English, or otherwise, you will cause much confusion with those around you.

O novo guia da conversação em portuguez e inglez, also known as English as She Is Spoke is that handbook.

Intended to be a useful phrase book for the Portuguese-speaking trying to understand English, English as She Is Spoke ended up being inaccurate due to its overly literal translations, but it’s worth mentioning that the author spoke no English and used a French-English phrase book. The translations in this book are so bad they’re funny. Take a look at the following, organized from the most comprehensible to the least:

(Legend: Actual English Translation, Given Translation)

The walls have ears, The walls have hearsay.

He can ride a horse, He know ride horse.

I want to vomit, I have mind to vomit.

What does he do? or What is he doing?, What do him?

He’s on all fours, He go to four feet.

Did you understand what I said?, Have you understant that y have said?

I know very well what I have to do and what my responsibilities are, I know well who I have to make.

I won more than thirty thousand réis, I had gained ten lewis.

This lake looks full of fish. Let’s have some fun fishing, That pond it seems me many multiplied of fishes. Let us amuse rather to the fishing.

The servant ploughed the royal land, The created plough the land real.

(To a horse rider) From what I see, he kicks. Look at how I was able to tame him, Then he kicks for that I look? Sook here if I knew to tame hix.

The book later on gained culutural attention (because of course it would) in the next century. It was parodied much, featured in a Monty Python sketch, and inducted in Stephen Pile’s famous Book of Heroic Failures. Mark Twain said of it,

“Nobody can add to the absurdity of this book, nobody can imitate it successfully, nobody can hope to produce its fellow; it is perfect.”

Whatever you view this book as, a failure, a source of comedy, a cautionary tale, or a reliable source, we can all agree on something: autocorrect is not happy!